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Suicidal Ideations


 

Some beautiful photos of today to remind me how wonderful my life truly is!!!

Daisies and a view from the back porch.





Johnny Jump Ups and Hens & Chicks.


 

July 10, 2024


It's difficult to change my perception of my life when I'm so low that I am having suicidal ideations. I begin to really feel hopeless, lonely and anxious. I feel my life is out of my control and has no meaning or purpose. I have increased mood swings of anger, resentment and sadness, and I begin to contemplate death. Now, I really don't want to die, I really don't, but I'm just so tired of living ...I'm tired of living this way...


Don't get me wrong, I truly am so happy and grateful for my amazing Man, for this beautiful farm, for the freedom (ish) ... ['I say ish because I am trapped in a body full of horrific debilitating pain (and numerous mental health issues) every day that really takes away from my freedom'] ... that I get to have, but I don't really get to enjoy it, and just that in itself is so disappointing and exhausting that I just want to give up. Then top that off, again, with the debilitating pain that at times makes it hard to even breath, the mental health issues that tear out my brain constantly, the feeling that my life is going nowhere, and that I am not getting ahead in any way possible. I just keep saying to myself "I'm almost 50 and I have nothing to show for it. I can't even take care of myself and all I'm doing is getting older and even more sick. What's the point! I am useless and worthless."


I'm not in a space where I am actively planning a 'how to', but I have been passively wishing that I would 'just fall asleep and never wake up again.' Passive is considered no less serious then active as it still has a blend of active and passive which can turn active quite quickly if not dealt with, so I spoke with my Psychotherapist about it. It was roughly this time last year when I was actively planning on how I was going to follow through with my death. This is when my Psychotherapist and I started me on Prozac. I didn't want to go that route again, but I felt so low it was my only option. This time, as of this past Monday, we have upped my meds so hopefully I won't become active and can even step out of this pit I'm beginning to get stuck in again. I really don't want to die, it's just some of my Parts (IFS) are so tired of all this pain, the fact that I can't seem to do anything to change my life for the better, to even fulfill some of my goals I had expected of myself by this age. It's all just so disappointing.


My risk factors for suicidal ideations are mental health disorders, chronic illness and pain, feelings of hopelessness and loneliness, having experienced childhood abuse and trauma, plus having attempted suicide in the past. My feelings are pretty much due to trauma first and foremost, which is the main cause to my physical and mental health issues, all of which has caused me extreme financial instability. The financial instability is what I feel eats at me the most. I want to make my own money. I want so badly to be able to take care of myself. I don't want to have to rely on anyone else, especially at this age, I should be able to do things without help. But my body keeps me down, and the only thing I can do, without too much pain, problems, or money, is write. I need to make a way for myself to have an income with my writing, but I need money to make that happen, then I go back into this spiral, falling lower and lower into this muddy pit, into this relentless depression that eats at my heart until I just want to "Fall asleep and never wake up!"


What truly sucks, is I really love my life now. I do, I love it. I love my Man more than anything. I love my home. I don't want to die, but I am just so tired. Tired of this horrific pain, of this relentless depression, of just spinning my tires and getting absolutely nowhere. I try so hard. I do all the therapeutic activities to help me heal; psychotherapy, exercise, mediation, nutrition, writing, music, outdoors, etc. etc. etc....but things just seem to be getting worse. The pain is incredible. The exhaustion makes me feel like my body is made of cement that I try to drag around. My brain is mush. And the only 'Ok' days I really have are when it's sunny with no humidity...I do still have pain on those days but it's not at a level where it makes my head want to explode or catch a body part on fire. But being in Eastern Ontario, we don't get many sunny, non humid days so the rest of the time I suffer...which makes me so tired...which of course, makes the depression that much worse...which then makes me want to just fall asleep and never wake up. Such a sad, disappointing, painful cycle. I look forward to the upped Prozac kicking in so I can start climbing my way back out of this muddy pit again and keep pushing ahead. I deserve to enjoy my life.


 

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