Suffering
- Feb 11
- 4 min read
February 11, 2026
As mentioned in my last blog, I have been busy writing a new book. But I have also been suffering a lot with my numerous comorbidities. All I have basically done is sleep these past few months away. My different pains have been in a flair, and I would rather sleep then face them. My head being the most painful thing to deal with right now. Yes, my middle back between my shoulder blades, my lower back into my right hip, knees and feet are all in pain, but they do not compare to the pain my head is in.
What truly sucks is, most of this pain is due to the absolute horrific abuse/traumas I endured from my earliest memories until I was finally able to escape my last two abusers, just before my 40th birthday...yes, imagine, 40 fn years of chronic abuse. But because of my shitty childhood, I was a magnet for abusers, so had numerous traumatic events that happened to me regularly.
Sure, maybe some of my illnesses are from actual physical damage...like the two vertebrae that are beginning to degenerate from age's usual wear and tear. Or the constant beatings since a small child on the head, then body punches as I got older. The hits I took from just being a slave, trying to get all the work I was expected to do, completed...the large metal bar that smacked me on the bone between my left temple and eye comes to mind...it left quite the bruise and headache. The numerous car accidents my first abusive partner put me through as he was an excessively aggressive driver and thought it was fun to make me nervous. The tractor accident I had while with my second abusive partner who left me to operate a machine that I had no right to be driving as I didn't even know how to drive a car. Plus, the numerous falls, and other stupid accidents that I had, just from trying to live.
Yes, there are a few issues I have that I was born with...so I am told...the Chronic Sinusitis, Chronic Ear Infections, (use to be) Chronic Tonsilitis. The ADHD.
But, for the most part, I'd say the things wrong with me are due to repressed trauma...and I mean horrific, long-term abuse...none of which was ever really properly dealt with. Again, the Trigeminal Neuralgia, (Childhood) Fibromyalgia and/or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Migraines/Cluster Headaches/Tension Headaches, IBS, GERD, (Stomach Ulcers in high school), Depression, Anxiety, Sleep Disorder/Insomnia/Night Terrors, Tinnitus/Hearing Problems, Visual Snow Syndrome ... all of which I had suffered with for as long as I can remember.
And yes, some of those illnesses could very well be from the actual physical abuse that may have caused some sort of damage. However, there is no evidence in any of the tests to show, if or where, any of these issues originated. Therefore, we have to just assume that they are trauma related, that it is all literally - in my head - my brain trying to process the shit I endured, and turning it into a body full of trouble.
Now, what gets me is ... I went through all that abuse, trauma, suffering ... at the hands of numerous bastards who still don't have to be held accountable for their shit. And yet, although I had NO part in any of it ... I STILL GET TO SUFFER!!! That's not right ... I lived it ... I lived THROUGH it ... so why in the hell do I have to still suffer from it ... and especially so many years later ... I still have days that are so bad, I can hardly get out of bed. Yet ... they just keep happily going on with their lives...they aren't suffering from what they did to me, they aren't full of debilitating pain and dread, they aren't paying medical bills to try and heal from what 'they did to me'. And yet here I am, suffering so badly I don't even want to keep going. I am the one who has to now deal with the abuse that they put onto me, so I can try and heal from this horrific suffering. And I am the one paying out of my own pocket to try and get the medical help I need to heal ... from their abuse ... from their wrongdoing ... and I have to still suffer from it ... I have to deal with it ... I have to pay for it ...
I'm too unwell to work. I am too busy with weekly medical appointment 's' to be able to work, even if I could work. And, I had nothing to do with what they all did to me ... yet ... I am the one who has to cover all this on my own. I am trying so hard to fix what they broke ... if this were a store they'd have to have paid for that ... but since I am just a human, this is all up to me ... and I am so tired I just want it all to stop ... yet I deserve to have a good life so I keep pushing forward despite how difficult this all is.
Now tell me where the fairness is in all this.
