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Trauma

Updated: May 12


Water splashing causing chaos.
Trauma

 

February 7, 2024


Will discuss the different types of traumas I have endured including their effects; past and present.


The actual events themselves will be in story format as they are intense and require more space to truly describe the situations and their impact on myself and my life. I also don't want them to be just open so it may trigger others who just happen upon them. Some stories may never be told, and all stories told will have the perpetrators names changed, not out of shame or anything like that, but as to not hurt the ones who hurt me, and especially not to hurt their families. I am not a fan of those who use their abuse as an excuse to hurt someone else … “well I was hurt so I hurt others” is something I truly dislike. If you were hurt and you know how badly it affected you, how can you then turn around and do the same thing to someone else.!?


As previously mentioned, I have survived just shy of 40 years of some of the craziest horrific abuse and neglect that one can imagine. Be it family and domestic violence, sexual, physical, financial, psychological, emotional, institutional abuse, neglect, and slavery.


I've been in two long-term domestic violent relationships, the second one being the worst. I had been horrifically bullied in all aspects of my life from a very young age, enslaved and financially abused until I was almost 40. I was beaten up pretty regularly, a few times bad enough to break bones, stalked by a few people, men mostly, beginning from at least grade 6, raped since the age of 15, and repeatedly sexually assaulted from at least the age of 8 up until I was almost 40.


Having been in the school system during the 80's to mid 90's, back then no one cared about what was happening to children. Sure, there were foster care and child services, but no one cared enough to want to get involved. And for the most part, the people in charge were some of the worst abusers out there. The teachers were bullies and got away with it because the principal was a child molester, so they all got their fun torturing kids. They also classified me as lazy and a space cadet, always daydreaming and not paying attention, no one wanted to stop and see why my work was poor, if it was done at all, because none of them cared. For the most part they'd give me a passing mark just to push me along, except one year because that teacher had a thing for holding two girls back every year. And outside of school, as long as I was working, getting chores done, making money, doing what was expected of me on a daily basis, then my schooling was a complete nonissue.


If I were sick, which was often, I'd get in trouble for that or even just told I was lying and made to keep going despite my poor health. They'd call me names and make fun of me, that I was making it all up to get out of doing something or to get attention. Oddly enough though, most of those illnesses had followed me into adulthood and now middle age.


Being so very young, emotionally vulnerable, and in an exploitable position, I was unaware of how things affected me to make the decisions I did. It was something deep in my subconscious that I wasn't aware of because I grew up with abuse. Being a survivor of past abuse made me more prone to being victimized again and again as I grew older as this was my norm. As an abused child I didn't see it as abuse, I didn't know this wasn't normal, so as I aged, I was less likely to see abusive behaviour as toxic when forming relationships as an adult. I had no sense of self-worth, boundaries, confidence, or that I even mattered. I was a people pleaser and completely codependent. I did as I was told, what was expected of me, and didn't question it. When I was told to run, I ran, and I'd keep going until I wasn't needed anymore.


Over the many years that I worked I was abused at a number of places of employment, a lot of sexual assault and bullying by bosses, other staff and especially customers. I was also poorly treated in the healthcare field during most visits to the ER and with specialists, as well as the one time I did try to stand up for myself and had to deal with the 'justice' system after a sexual assault...what a shitshow that was.


All these different situations would affect me quite deeply. Even if they seemed minuscule, especially compared to some of the things I did go through, they just stirred up what had happened before and would make it explode and completely knock me back into the muddy pit.


Now as I heal, I'm gaining self-worth, I am building boundaries, I am trying hard to stand up for myself and my own needs, giving myself space to really be myself and have a happy life despite everything.


 




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