My favourite person in the entire world helping me again...as usual!!!
He is so good to me and makes me so happy!!!
February 25, 2025
As per my previous blog "Stressing", I am writing about releasing old burdens as this is the reason I began my writing in the first place. Yes, my end goal is hopefully to help others in their healing as well, but the only way I can help others is if I help myself first...and that is why I really need to focus on releasing the old burdens that I still carry to this day...that I carry from my first memories at the age of 4 to now, just a couple weeks from my 50th birthday. That is a lot for one person to carry especially for so long...no wonder my health is in such dire straits.
Asides from the ADHD that I am still learning on how to work with; the emotional dysregulation, the dissociating, forgetfulness, etc....I also have to deal with the coping mechanisms I developed as a small child, that I then used well into my adult life, just trying to stay alive; the justified anger, the again dissociation, brain fog, and such. Coupled with the chronic illnesses, mental and physical, that also contribute to these and many other issues that linger over my head, trying to keep me down. And to top that off, the abuse itself; the actual pain of the abuse (mentally and physically), the constant worry, criticism, degrading, the downplaying of events from those causing the abuse and from my own self, again just trying to stay alive.
I want to write to help others, I have always been a people pleaser and actually feel better when I am doing for others. But it takes its toll on me when I don't think about my own needs. I have to take the time to focus on myself. To sit back and relax my body and mind and let them realize they are safe, they are loved, they don't have to be on constant alert anymore. The place where I live is safe. I have a wonderful Man who loves me unconditionally, this is the first time I've ever had anyone actually love me (or even just give a damn about me) ...and it's amazing. I have basically separated myself from my abusers. But I have decades of horrific abuse that needs to be dealt with and have only just started real treatment for said abuse exactly two years ago, so it will be some time before I can heal from this crap...with the hope I can heal from all of it... but some, I wonder ... the multiple head traumas I endured may be issues, that I worry, can't be rectified.
In IFS Therapy, I get to work with my Parts that were trapped in the scary, dark, cold, chaos of what felt like war zones; never knowing what lurked behind every corner, tiptoeing around to not make any sort of noise so I can't get noticed. Doing what was expected of me even if it was far more than anyone would have on their plate (especially as a child), but it was safer to work hard, get it done and again not get noticed. Always on alert, terrified, worried, working hard, hiding, alone. To just be a very sad, dark, lonely version of Cinderella but with no one coming to rescue me (as not one person gave a rat's ass about me) ...just me alone, slaving away, trying very hard to not be seen, and stay alive.
Now I am working hard to release those old burdens that have been haunting me from as long as I can remember. They have taken their toll on me and have caused some horrific debilitating illnesses, that I hope will heal some, once I can finally release of all these old burdens. So, I will keep writing, blogging, sharing, and even promoting my work, but I am stepping it back so I stop stressing and instead I can heal, and then maybe one day, my healing will be able to truly help others heal as well.