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Two Little Vultures

Updated: Jan 30

Two Little Vultures
Beautiful Lights Tonight.

Arrival of today's new workout.


 

January 28, 2025


During my (IFS) therapy session yesterday, I wanted to talk about two Parts that are always ever present. I see them as my two little vultures...they are sitting on my shoulders to the back, just out of view, constantly eyeing for a chance to start "picking" at the soft spots that they can see in my facade. Now it's not a true facade per say...I really am happy...considering everything, I truly am a happy person...but a lot of the time it has to be forced happiness...it always has been...it had to be, I've had a very hard existence, my happy Part(s) needed to be stronger than the shit hand I was dealt. But, as of lately, I have noticed I am much happier (like 'real' happy) than I have been in a very long time...however, this has also made these two Parts that much more noticeable, as I really see them now hiding in wait...and always ready to start in on me whenever my guard begins to lower...just like vultures. I try to push them back, but sometimes they are stronger than I can fight.


I get they are tired...I'm tired too...I'm tired of always being in pain, of working so hard to see minimal changes, of seeing negatives coming at me. But I want so much to just be happy that I try to force them back and let me be. My happy Parts want to stay full force, present, in control of things right now, because I feel I have purpose now, I have this drive to keep moving forward. Even if I stay in constant pain, even if those kinds of things don't actually change, I still see progress, and this is why I am actually happy. But of course, there are other parts that start to get negative and say things to try and bring my happy Parts down...then once they start, the vultures become active and really push their agenda. The sad and angry parts begin to say things like; "this is too much", "things aren't going to get better", "there's just too much to do", "what is our body going to be like in ten years if it's as bad as it is now", "who is going to help us then", "If it's this hard now imagine how hard all this is going to be when our body only gets worse with age" ...and this triggers the vulture Parts into saying; "well then just end it!", "it'd be so much easier if we were dead", "then we don't have to worry about not getting ahead, not getting better", "we're just too tired to keep fighting." ...and sadly, they do all make very good points...


So, in therapy, instead of pushing them back, we sat with those two little vulture Parts...we let them feel seen, gave them a safe place to 'land', to find peace, and just let go of all the negativity they've been made to carry for so long. It's really no wonder they are as tired as they are. All the shit we went through for so many years, even still with all this constant horrific pain, physically and mentally, it's no wonder they want to just finally sleep. But it was nice for both those Parts and my Self to at least have a break.


I envisioned them on the beach back in Castries, St. Lucia. They are both lying in the nice soft sand just soaking up the heat and energy of the sun. The peaceful sound of the ocean lapping up close to them and a gentle breeze drifting slowly by. The smells of the water, the citrusy odour of the vegetation at the edge of the beach. It's all so calming and peaceful. Just relaxing, reenergizing, recuperating...it's so warm, and safe and carefree...what a wonderful feeling to have all that weight off of our shoulders...to just be at peace, even if it was only for five minutes...


This was a huge change for them from being on alert 24/7 for the last...how many decades???...3.5 at least, I remember being suicidal at 15 for sure...most probably even before that...I had a horrible childhood...I've had a pretty horrible life...but this past decade, despite the disabilities I now have to deal with, my life is pretty darn awesome. I now have purpose; I now have goals...and I am working feverishly towards making them happen. Having all these tired, sad, angry Parts to contend with is not what I need right now. I am glad my Psychotherapist and I discussed this. I am glad I can now see these two a bit clearer, and have found a way to release them, and let those Parts and my Self have a break. Hopefully we can all learn that we don't have to stay on high alert all the time anymore, that we can all feel like we're still on that beautiful beach just enjoying our lives and feeling free and safe finally after all this time of being constantly vigilant of anything and everything. Hopefully we'll stop being so exhausted and wanting it all to end...then the happy Parts can stay out and finally be able to live the lives they've always wanted and tried desperately to have.


 

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