Dreams and Goals
- Connie Porteous
- May 5
- 7 min read
May 5, 2025
My dreams and goals of what I wanted to be as I grew up, and before I got sick, when it all came to a slamming halt at the young age of 29. I achieved a couple, some came close-ish, but mostly they just went to the wayside.
Sometime around the age of 5, I wanted to be a Church Minister. I don't know where that came from, we hadn't even gone to church...we went, not long after, for a very short time, but that really was my only church experience. Yet, I still wanted to be a Minister and hold sermons. I even drew a picture of myself standing up on a small stage with my hair now long enough to lay on the floor (it was imperative I had long hair, and since I was just a little child, I didn't know any different) talking to a group of worshipers. Apparently, one time, I even came out of my room crying and my parent asked what the matter was (odd them showing interest, but ok) and evidently, I said "I had just been speaking with Baby Jesus and that I was very happy!" Hmmm...the mind of a child eh... Nothing more came of this...
*** By around age 10, I wanted to be in the Olympics as a Track Athlete. My hero was Ben Johnson, although I was a long-distance runner, somehow, I had a magazine with him on the cover, and this was my inspiration (until of course what happened next with him...broke my heart). But of course, no one was interested in what I wanted, so I only took part in track at school. Once getting into Junior High though there was a teacher who saw me and asked me to join his track team which I thought was so amazing. Again, no one else saw my potential, or more than likely they just didn't give a shit, so I didn't have any help, I ran in the same pair of sneakers that I wore daily and my usual daily clothes, but I still had a great time for the meets I was able to attend and did quite well. I didn't know better, but I would lead the race and at the last few seconds the girl behind me would pick up and pass me...this happened often, but I didn't mind getting second place...that to me was always a great win no matter what. I'd run the 800m, 1500m and they would ask me to join the relay team and run the 400m. I'd say coming in second in all those heats was pretty awesome!! I loved every minute of it!!! I just loved to run!!! It was my stress reliever! It was my freedom! Once high school began, I was no longer even able to be on any extracurricular activities at school, but I still ran for my own sanity, and I was so glad for it!
*** Also, while in Junior High I wanted to take music classes like my other siblings got to do but wasn't allowed. Well, music was mandatory, so I was in singing classes just to get my credits, but it never went any further than that although I loved to sing and especially the want and desire to play an instrument, but I was told I didn't need it, and it was left at that (periodically I got to play the tringle in singing class...wow...big whoop eh...). Near the end of high school, I was able to scrounge up enough of my money to buy myself a cheap used acoustic guitar but never had any classes. It also wasn't what I wanted...I wanted drums, but one, I couldn't afford them, I'd never be able to get that much of my money to buy them, and two, I was NOT allowed to have them...believe me I was told, verbally and physically (yet my brother was allowed to have them after I moved away....hmmm, nice eh...I mean, good for him of course, but still like, WTF.) I do play drums now; I bought a cheap used kit, plus I made my own Cajons and play them. Still no classes, but I enjoy them, and they really are a wonderful way to relieve stress and express myself...I could have really used them back then, but it is what it is!!!...
Say about 14 years of age I also wanted to be a Veterinarian, Wildlife Biologist, or Environmental Scientist. So funny right...I can't do math worth shit but I loved the science part of all that. I had asked to go to an environmental science high school, but I wasn't allowed to go. My sister was off to an art high school, and they didn't want me traveling far too...(most probably it was more like "how would I ever get all my work done"?) So, I didn't go. But I was made to have a job at the local vet's office, so they got more money out of me, but I also got the chance to see that, "Nope, I don't want to be a vet!!" so that was pretty helpful. I saved lives quite often working on my parents 'hobby' (some hobby) farm, so I enjoyed that aspect...however, as a Vet Tech, I had to help more often than not to take lives, and I hated every second of it...so I decided that this wasn't the right thing for me...and seriously, one, how would I ever get the grades to become a Vet, and two, who the hell would help me pay for university anyway...so...
By 18 I wanted to be a Fashion Model. A few friends were doing it, and I felt pretty enough to do it too (despite all the negative talk I always got about my looks). And this was the first and only time my parents took any interest in what I was interested in... they saw big money signs. And I too saw those dollars thinking I could make some good money and help them out... help THEM out ... fk I was a good kid ... So, I actually accomplished(ish) this one thing. It was only local, and I made almost no money, but I had a blast doing it and that lasted until I got sick at 29, so I'd say I'm pretty proud of myself for that.
At 18 I also wanted to be a Fighter Pilot. Now, obviously, I probably would have just been the dude sweeping the tarmac, but I so much wanted to join the AirForce and I lovedlovedloved airplanes. They were at our school recruiting kids and I had the paperwork filled out and everything...I just didn't sign it...stupidly, I felt I should ask my parents...I really should have just done it...but I was 'physically' told that I wasn't allowed to join...so that was the end of that...too fk bad...I really could have used that sort of structure in my life...oh well...again, it is what it is...
From the age of 19 I thought it would be great to be a Personal Fitness Trainer. I loved working out. I loved the feeling of it all. And I wanted to share that love with others! It felt so amazing to exercise! So, by 21 I took Recreation Leadership in college...but this is when my depression was finally acknowledged and I ended up crashing...it also didn't help that my then boyfriend spent my tuition, but in all honesty, I wasn't able to go back with the depression anyway. Funny thing though, by 26, I was working reception at a gym, then was Head Reception of all their gyms. Sadly though, at 29 it all ended...you guessed it...when I got sick...ffs, I was having so much fun there. However, in 2014 when I was trying to escape the last domestic violent situation I was in, a provincial program helped me get my Personal Trainer certificate so that I could maybe have a career I could do with my illness and be able to get away. So, although I took the long way around, I still became that Personal Fitness Trainer I wanted to become pretty much 20 years before...so that's pretty cool.
Around 28, when my life was, for the first time, MINE...('I finally had my own life, it was amazing ...yes, I was still made to take care of Gran and her older sister, but I was pretty much my own person living my own life[ish]') ...I had big plans for myself. I had written the LSAT and had hopes to become an Environmental Lawyer (how would I pay for that?...who knows, but I still had big dreams anyway). And if that didn't pan out, I was going to apply to be a Fire Fighter. Working at the gym, I was as strong as anything, so muscular with great endurance as I biked everywhere I went. My body was an absolute machine, and my mind was so driven...things had really come around for me finally. I had been used to midnight emergency calls having helped take care of gramps for those last three years of his life. This sort of thing didn't phase me. I would climb up on my roof late at night after work to shovel the snow off so it wouldn't leak into my kitchen, doing this basically all by myself. I had balls, strength, determination, grit!! I was so ready to take on the world and make a real life for myself. But then, 2004 happened, shortly after my 29th birthday, the Trigeminal Neuralgia decided this was her time to take control of me...and that was my end. My dreams were ruined. My awesome job was done. My goals were no longer achievable, and instead, I just suffered with the most horrific pain I had ever endured, and believe me, I knew pain before this...none of it combined could compare to the suffering this one caused me. And that was the end to me being free and owning my own life for the small little chance I had.
So now, at 50, still suffering, still living under the constant ruling of a body that has no direction, and just hurts when it wants, where it wants...I have been able to accomplish a few things. Not all exactly what I had hoped for, I didn't achieve all my dreams and goals, but still, I think I did pretty good considering.
*** These were really, really important to me!!! ***
