top of page

On the Topic of Pretty

Updated: May 15




Today I still have a minor headache, behind my eyes from ear to ear, my usual it seems, but it's a gorgeous day and this here in the next pic is my workstation ... can't ask for better than that!!! I am lucky and blessed!!!


 




Photoshoot: Ottawa, Ontario - March 16, 1995 ... on my 20th Birthday!!


 




Photoshoot: Montreal, Quebec - Summer 1997


 




Photoshoot: Ottawa, Ontario - Fall 1999


 


April 26, 2024


On the topic of pretty, I used to be so pretty once...a million years ago, it feels like now...and I guess I am still pretty, when I'm not in debilitating pain and can be happy and smile. But I don't really get to enjoy it...I never got to enjoy it. Now, because I dwell on my past too much and miss what I use to have. And then, because what I had was never good enough!!! I was always told I needed to lose more weight...more weight, I only weighed 112lbs at 5'8", what was I to do, cut off a limb?! I was told that I was ugly because my face was crooked...so, my face didn't have the chance to grow properly ... most probably due to the physical trauma it endured pretty regularly ... but I still had a pretty face. Plus, I was told that I needed plastic surgery to fix my crooked face, to fix my stupid big smile. And on the topic of this smile, I was told not to smile so big, not to show so much gum, not to frown because it looked terrible...there was never a time I didn't have to change what I looked like...I was told I was pretty, but the way I was talked to, I was never pretty enough. And seeing as how "all I had going for me" were my looks, which were never good enough, I really had nothing and was just a mess.


And I can't even enjoy what I still have now as I am so disappointed with myself. Being in Perimenopause (and dealing with trauma finally) I have put on a bunch of weight..."I have eaten an entire me" is what I say jokingly about my weight gain, but it's not a joke, I am super disappointed about it...about me. I try every day to work out, take the right supplements, eat properly, but I still seem to just be gaining. And then on days when my pain is terribly high my face really shows this, and I can see the age and exhaustion in her. "This is the youngest" I'll ever be again. This is the best I am going to be. And yet I can't let myself just enjoy and appreciate what I have because my head is so full of old negative talk, that when I look at myself in the mirror, again especially on days when I don't feel well (which seems like every day now), I really don't care for what I see.


Now, it's also the grey hair, the wrinkles, the big sunspot on my forehead, and all the excessive weight I can't seem to shake, that just makes me so sad to look at myself. I can't use commercial hair or skin products as I am too sensitive to them ...and again, all that I am doing about my weight just doesn't want to work... so everything just stays as it is. My Psychotherapist and I talk about this, and she suggests I just put my disappointment about my looks to the back for now and work towards healing my mind, and a lot of the time I can do that ... good thing I don't have many mirrors in my house ... but on times when I have the chance to look into a mirror, it really triggers my disappointment, especially when I am not feeling well...which it seems is all the time now.


But I really need to be easier on myself. I am still pretty. I have a great heart, a wonderful personality and a pretty darn good outlook on life...especially considering everything I have to deal with. And, I personally like my smile; I like how big and inviting it is, how it makes others happily smile back and how it basically lights up a room. And I know my heart and soul are both beautiful, and that's where true beauty lies!!!



 

Comments


Commenting has been turned off.
bottom of page