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Updated: May 13

Dark night with a full moon and fast-moving cloud cover.


February 16, 2024

I've always been prone to nightmares and even night terrors. Since I am on the topic of Parts, and I had some bizarre nightmares triggered by seemingly irrational anxiety and fears, I figured this would be a good place to go today. I am exactly one month away from my 49th birthday, it is 5:43am, and I am wide awake due to a nightmare I had because of a situation that is happening in my life right now. As mentioned, it seems completely irrational, this anxiety and fear, as nothing has happened, but it has triggered a part, or parts, of me that have had to deal with a situation(s) similar to this, and they are now on alert. They themselves have no real reason to be on alert, but they have been triggered, and now I have to work with them to let them know they are safe and that nothing bad has or is going to happen (“hopefully”, is spinning through my head). But they have been woken up and now are causing nightmares.

 This nightmare is based at my sister's house where I am speaking with her and our brother. I am telling them of the situation with my current neighbour who has become too comfortable and familiar with coming over at any given time looking to borrow things and walking through my house and garage noting different things each time he comes's very unnerving. I do not like having company over for the most part, and this basically stranger, feels it's ok to just show up, unannounced, at any given time, and I now no longer like him. I tell them that these are big ticket items he is borrowing, and at first, I thought I was just being neighbourly, but now I feel like I am being taken advantage of because he really should own all these items himself. In the dream I tell them that he has my boyfriends cell number and can call him if he needs something, yet he just feels he can saunter over here as he chooses to ask softhearted me. Now I have to tell him no to lending any more of my things and I am nervous of what will happen. I am now worried he will not take this calmly and will retaliate, like he has every right to borrow my things.

The dream is the actual event, there has not been anything negative asides from feeling used and taken advantage of for being a kind person, but my parts are triggered because I do need to tell this man no. I do not want to loan out more of my expensive equipment to someone I don't even know, and especially since I cannot afford to replace any of it. He has his own business, so should be able to buy his own things, and the equipment he borrows are things he really should already own as he needs them every year, so I don't understand why he needs mine. The first time I lent one machine I was just being neighbourly, the second time, well I guess ok...but then he came for another piece of equipment, then another, then the product for that piece (these two things he hasn't even returned yet after a week, and he is aware I need the product so I can get my own work done)...then he said he was coming back for the first piece that I had lent to him, he didn't even ask, he just 'said' he was coming for I just don't want to even see him again and my parts are all stirred up and we no longer even like this man any more. A man I had only spoken with a handful of times in my ten winters living here. I now close one of the interior doors so he can't see in, and I am always secretly looking to make sure he isn't stalking around outside of my house, so he doesn't see me as I go about my day...I fret the day he comes knocking at my door again. Even just writing how I feel right now is making me sweaty, nervous and uncomfortable, and my pain level has risen...wonderful (I use sarcasm as another coping mechanism, of which I have many).

This has triggered the part(s) that are now causing these dreams. I have already had more than my fair share of issues with neighbours, some quite horrific, and this is why I almost never talk to any of my current neighbours. I just try to keep to myself. Even after being here for ten winters, I still am just slight acquaintances to only two of the seven houses in close proximity to my home. Neither of whom I initiated contact with. Only one of those I don't mind talking to, but I stay clear as I don't really feel comfortable as there is also a man at her house. And as I know you will come to understand, I am quite fearful of men. So, to have some random man just showing up at my back door, unannounced, you can see why this has triggered something inside of me...even if it does seem simple and again, irrational, these parts don't see it that way.

So, after this nightmare, it wasn't just a dream although it wasn't intense or really remarkable in any way, but a nightmare as I woke upset, in pain and couldn't relax to put myself back to sleep again. My shoulder blades were on fire, my jaw was super tight, and I had an upset stomach. I tried meditating but it wasn't working for me at all, so I gave up, got up, ate a chew-able stomach tablet and wrote this in my journal with plans on putting it into this blog.

I am a very sensitive person, in every way possible, always have been, and anything can trigger my parts, and again, although nothing truly bad has happened, and what has happened, is basically trivial, it still says a lot to my brain and then my body. It brings out the fight, flight, faun, freeze responses. It makes them on edge because the perceived threat is there. It has happened before. This isn't something new. I have had to deal with so much actual threat that any perceived threat still has merit. So I am now on edge, and disappointed that I am made to feel this way, yet again, by another man who means nothing to me, all because I am a kind and giving person whom others, sadly, take advantage of. And to top it all off...this is my home...this is my safe space...I've never, in all my life, had a safe space until here...and now, I don't feel safe, and I feel like I have to hide...and it totally sucks!!!


March 4, 2024 - Follow-Up

It has been over a month now since he 'borrowed' my equipment and product and has yet to bring it back. He actually finally used it today after all this time, I heard him running it although I saw him using another one just before he pulled the one I lent him he doesn't need mine yet he's still using it and has not brought it back. I don't have the balls to walk over there to ask for it either, I get the nerve up but then my anxiety rises, and I hide instead. As I was working outside today, I saw him leaving my yard, I checked and he hadn't brought back the equipment, instead I am sure he was here looking for the other machine he had wanted a month ago. I've been walking around the house and yard all nervous for this past month because I really don't want to have to talk to him. I taped a note on the back door to contact my boyfriend, whether he does or not is another story. But this was my way of not having to deal with him, a bit childish I guess but those are the parts that are sad scared little girls, and they only know how to hide. I do need to work on my Self and get Me stronger so I can say No, but that's not going to happen today, or maybe even any time soon...we had been pretty beaten down, literally and figuratively, for a very long time, so it's going to be a long process to finally have a real backbone and stand up for my Self.


March 5, 2024 - Last Follow-Up

He actually texted my boyfriend today and was told "there will be no more lending of anything anymore"...I am so grateful for such a strong partner in my life...I hope to learn to be more like him in time!!! :) The machine and product have been returned...I hope from now on he no longer comes to my house knocking at my door.



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